Characters

Alan

Paula's ex-boyfriend

Alan dumps Paula on New Year's Eve for being too boring and announces he is to marry Belinda  instead.

Pompous and lazy; Alan cares about what others think, but doesn't have the energy to do much about it.

Quote:

"Belinda and I are just made for each other she's an accountant too. So, you see, we really have a lot in common. Like... accountancy for instance. Besides, she's great in the sack. That time she spent in Thailand really paid off."

 

Belinda

Alan's fiancée

Solely concerned with status and promotion, Belinda is focussed on two things: planning the wedding of the year and ridding her garden of a large unfashionable tree. When she discovers her paraplegic colleague may be promoted over her, the fate of Alan and the tree become sinisterly intertwined...

Quote:

"I'm sorry but I'm not going to pander to the political correctness gone mad brigade...I mean, how hard can it really be, sitting there poking a keyboard with a forehead probe all day?"

Anthony

Works in Alan's Department

Being posh and having gone to public school, Insolvency Compliance Officer Anthony is an object of jealousy for Alan.

But Anthony is more obsessed with his online pulling guru who goes by the name of ManWolf.

 

Quote:

‘You’re a cracker, you know,’ Anthony said, generously. ‘A total 6.5.’

Who would play him in a film?

A young Hugh Grant lookalike.

Malcolm

Works in Alan's Department

Naive young accountancy trainee, Malcolm, is glued to Anthony, who is trying to instruct him in the finer arts of pulling.

Quote:

(Shyly)

“Are we going to have group sex now?”

Pat

Belinda's nemesis, Pat, works in the same department as her at Smith, Smith-Brown and Smith.

Despite having suffered a terrible car accident leaving her paralysed from the neck down, Pat still manages to out-perform Belinda in every way. Belinda begins to look for other ways to get ahead...

 

Sir Alan Smith-Brown

Alan's boss.
The head of Smith, Smith-Brown and Smith, Sir Alan Smith-Brown is exactly like Sir Alan Sugar, and Alan is desperate to impress him.
Quote:
When it comes to the audit, you're the man I want standing beside me - you're hired!"
Who would play him in a film?
None less than the great man himself!

Marcus

The first time Paula meets Marcus the inflatable man she takes him for a piece of funky designer furniture.

 

Who would play him in a film?

As he is mainly obscured in a bodysuit and doesn’t say much – it doesn’t really matter. Pierce Brosnan, just for the laugh.

Sonya and Tanya

Two young women who work with Paula in the HR office of accountancy firm Smith, Smith-Brown and Smith.

Quote:

“We’re all descended from different apes, yeah? Well, I'm an orang-utan.”

"Re-ally!"

“She’s sooo right about me. She said, you don’t see an orang-utang sitting in a tree or whatever, scoffing a pizza or helping themselves to chocolate chip icecream, now do you?”

“Wow, it’s amazing what knowing a bit about science can do, isn’t it?”

“I’ve lost a stone without even trying. As long as I stick to twigs and leaves, I’m fine.”

Paula

Paula

Obsessive and quiet: the kind of person other people don't notice, but with the surveillance expertise of an international criminal mastermind.

Quote:

"Alan said I was boring. Boring in bed. But I'm very flexible. My mother used to say I was double-jointed. I don't think I am though... Do you want to call me your bitch?”

Who would play her in a film?

Shirley Henderson. Or Jessica Stevenson maybe.

Luda

Volatile transvestite brickie, "she" is not impressed when she sees Paula coming through the doors of Club Liscious.

But the others club members rally round the newcomer and Luda fears she may be left out and lose her position as their unofficial leader.

On Paula:

“Does she glide across the room like a goddess? Does she command the attention of every man as soon as she walks into the room? Does she cry at Lassie? Of course she doesn’t – hard as nails. Now myself on the other hand…”

Who would play her in a film:

Phillip Glenister.

Fred (the man in the mask)

Nerdy computer programmer Fred by day, George the naked Zorro by night: a man who can show his body yet never remove his small black eye-mask.

Quote:

As The Man in the Mask

"Before us we have a beautiful woman, demanding to be satisfied, calling out to be worshipped. "

As Fred

 

ERROR 400067: TOTAL TERROR OF ALL MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX!!!

A FATAL EXCEPTION HAS OCCURRED.  PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL MENTAL ASYLUM FOR ASSISTANCE.

 

Dave

Luda’s side-kick and fellow transvestite, Dave, is a gentle Bolton Wanderers supporter. He has a secret crush on Luda.


Gretchen the dominatrix

Paula is alarmed when she first meets the pierced crop-wielding vision that is Gretchen the Dominatrix. But this gentle vegan likes nothing better than to settle down with a soya-milk latte and feels somewhat put-upon by worshipper, SlaveBoy.

Quote:

“All this dominate me dominate me. Plain selfish that’s what I call it.”

SlaveBoy

Gretchen’s bald-headed disciple.

SlaveBoy tires her out with his continual demands for punishment.

Quote:

“Now that’s what I call a Dominatrix!”

Who would play him in a film?

Someone who looks a bit like Richard O’Brien: Richard O'Brien maybe.

Betsy and Ron

Middle-aged swingers, Betsy and Ron are the owners of Club Liscious.