The internal wiki was the company’s communication system. As the office was full of shy silent sociophobes, an unofficial no talking policy was in operation. This was in operation to such an extent that, on the odd occasion that the phone went, ten rigid bodies would stiffen in anticipation of somebody else taking the call, that somebody usually being the answer-machine. If any hapless individual ever came to the door, ten silent heads would swivel round and stare in a collective effort to intimidate them into leaving. If this failed, someone – usually Andrew – would flick his head coolly towards the inner sanctum where the Uber-programmer resided, also called Andrew. Probably. This Andrew was almost certainly their boss, but as nobody cared to admit to this and, as he never talked to them, this fact had neverbeen officially verified.

Being a computer programming company, set up by computer programmers for computer programmers, the ethos of ComPro:Computer Programming for Computer Programmers (comprocompro.com) was naturally averse to anything computer programmers are normally naturally averse to: namely talking, short hair, clean clothes and hierarchies.

Computer programmers are naturally averse to hierarchies because this would involve people having to talk to each other, which is the main thing they are averse to. Whereas clean clothes and short hair demonstrate attachment to status, to what other people think, and therefore ultimately to hierarchy (to which they are averse). Besides which, sprucing up a bit might inadvertently attract the attention of some member of the opposite sex which would be too terrifying for words, and – as we know – computer programmers are not fond of words. This is why many computer programmers form intense emotional attachments to cartoon characters with impossible breasts. Because, at the end of the day, however outrageously large her breasts, a cartoon character can never take you away from your mother and, as it is mandatory for all programmers to live with their mothers until they are at least forty, until then, the barrage of dirty clothes, straggly unwashed hair and all-over pong acts as a very effective deterrent. (A fact of which the mothers are well aware, of course.)

But however strong the culture of silence, it has to be admitted it is hard to run a company with no interchange whatsoever and there had been various attempts, over the years, to devise a low stress non-talking form of communication in the office. Most of these attempts favoured variations of semaphore or Morse code. Unfortunately, as the instigator could never pluck up enough courage to let the others know what system they were using, none of these methods ever actually worked, usually ending up with one person waving and tapping feebly in the corner whilst the others sat staring at their screens, iPods blasting away, completely oblivious to their gesticulating colleague. Eventually one or other of them had realised the only way to communicate was through the screen itself. And so had implemented an internal wiki system which would allow a form of indirect communication that most of them could handle.

The internal wiki contained loads of useful information, from what to do in case of a fire (‘Shout “fire!” and run’) to today’s optimistic report on phone answering.

When somebody rings the phone (stated the wiki, helpfully), it is customary to introduce yourself –‘Hello, I’m Andrew,’ can be a good way to do this, followed by an enquiry as to the identity of the speaker. After this there are several possibilities as to how the exchange may go. The speaker may:
a) Ask to speak to Andrew
b) Ask to speak to somebody else
c) Ask for further information
d) Other

If a) Say ‘Andrew is busy right now, can I take a message?’
If b) Say ‘Person other than Andrew is busy right now, can I take a message?’
If c) Take an email address and say you will send it on to the speaker.
If d) Make a strange electronic noise in the back of your throat and quickly replace the handset.

As the compiler of this information was, no doubt, totally incapable of executing any of his own advice, Fred knew that this, like so many of the company's internal documents, was completely theoretical.